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Malcolm VII
desert oasis to find the sabre of Malcolm.]] Malcolm VII was the seventh gentleman to carry the title of Malcolm. He was also the beefiest and brawniest. Becoming the Malcolm Schipio, the apprentice and sidekick of Malcolm V, was robbed of his title as Malcolm VI when Hannibal, general of Carthage and former Vice President of the United States of America, attacked, killed, and ate his master as he prepared breakfast. Schipio had been out for a jog and returned to the shocking, bloody scene mere minutes after the new Malcolm, a native African and therefore automatically black and eligible for the title of Malcolm, had finished breaking the record set by Malcolm V for Most Vomits Emitted Upon Becoming Malcolm - minutes during which Malcolm VI had campaigned quickly for civil rights and killed two Roman soldiers attempting to Europeanize America. A deadly duel followed. Schipio quickly seized up an AK-47 assault rifle and shot Malcolm VI dead before he could get within range with either the sabre of Malcolm or his hungry maw. The slain Malcolm VI's twitching, convulsing muscles tore off the body's right arm, soaked it in hydrogen peroxide bleach, and threw it with sabre in hand across the continent of North America. Loyal to the duties of Malcolm and determined to keep the title from falling into the wrong hands again, Schipio pursued the arm and sabre to southern California, where he found it resting in a watering hole surrounded by a thick grove of palm trees. He then proceeded to break Hannibal's record by vomiting twenty more times than the Carthaginian general had when he took up the legendary sabre. As Malcolm VII, he decided to remain in California. He felt welcome there and, as an ambiguously gay man, he had the resources of the People's Republic of San Francisco to draw upon for support if he chose to come out of the closet as a declared homosexual. Major Achievements Malcolm VII fought for civil rights and petitioned for the legalization of gay marriage, although he was conservative on virtually every other issue save for one. Although most people have accepted Africa as a conspiracy theory and archaic myth, Malcolm VII notably refused to accept this explanation. He spoke with an accent that he identified to friends as "Nigerian" (although most people said that it sounded more like a gay lisp) and claimed that his former last name had been "Africanus", even though everybody knows that nobody would have that last name ever. Nonetheless, he continued to insist that Africa was a real continent up to his death, upon which he recanted. After living for fifteen years as a resident of California and taking an apprentice named Tavon (with whom he did not have sexual relations in a cave), Malcolm VII decided to run for governor. He ran as a Republican, of course, and was elected with 75% of the vote. While in office, he stepped up city beautification projects, built the Golden Gate Bridge with his bare hands, and visited many questionable dives around the PROSF and Los Angeles in search of "suspects...always looking for suspects". Malcolm VII vs. Terminator Eventually, Malcolm VII was succeeded in office by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger chose to make his entrance fully armed and decided to "terminate" the outgoing governor. Wielding only the sabre of Malcolm and a single AK-47, the unfortunate civil rights advocate was overpowered by Schwarzenegger's array of heavy weapons and was riddled by 1,225 bullets. Bleeding profusely and beyond recognition, the dying seventh Malcolm crawled to a nearby city park in San Francisco, cutting off his right arm as he painfully made his way to the pond in the park and soaking it with the contents of a nearby bottle of bleach. He placed his sabre in its hand, closed the cooling fingers around its hilt, and then sucked in one final breath more massive than any other breath ever. He imploded into nothingness and was gone forever.